So basically, I'm making the switch to Dreamwidth permanently now. It's sad for me, as I've been on here since LJ pretty much started. But given the new user agreement and the anti-LGBTQI crap mixed up in that, I can't in all good conscience keep using this website (though I barely use it anyway).
If you know my real name, that's who I am over on facebook. I'm also logansrogue over at dreamwidth. I will probably keep the two accounts linked, and this journal up, but if anything happens to it, I won't try to bring it back.
The one sad thing about the internet, which it doesn't have on chiselled words on rocks or ink on paper - it can be lost so easily.
Love you all. <3
Addendum: I think LJ deleted my default userpic because it was Xena, and she's GEY.
So, I had a baby. And she is GORGEOUS. I am so utterly and completely in love with her. Every day is a new challenge but it's okay so far - it's all worth it. I'm run down to the bone, my pelvis is a stretched out old rubber band, but I'm mother to a little pixie who owns me heart and soul so I'm totally okay with that.
Plus my partner is a fucking amazing Dad.
Anyway, I'm taking up my LJ again because I don't want to bother my Facebook friends with too much baby blogging. I can do it here and keep it organised.
You know you're in love when your partner's wrinkles, which have developed since you've started going out because you've been together for five years, are dead sexy and beautiful and perfect to you. :-P
The comment string starting with Victor England. What a toss pocket! It's really hilarious watching him whip himself into a rage because a) his insults don't bother me because they are actually points of great pride for me, b) it's obviously bothering him that his sexist, misogynistic invective is bouncing off me like a coin off a drumhead.
I'm a feminist calling you on your shit and I'm not going anywhere! Ner her nee ner ner.
I am absolutely delighted. The gender was the one I wanted! Not that I would have minded either way, but I had an instinct that it was one gender and I was worried my instinct was wrong. But I was right. :)
I have a video of the ultrasound session. I love watching it. It's about 20 minutes long and I love watching Bubsy wave, and wriggle, and its heartbeat, and its sweet little face in the 3D shots.
I love this baby more than anything I've ever loved in my life. :)
Tomorrow I go to my 19 week scan to check on bubsy.
Every day now, I get naked before my shower and just look at my body. All my life, the pregnant body has been a source of wonder, joy, warmth. It was the body of a goddess to me, of a heightened state that I had seen so often. I think, on some level, in the past few years I'd convinced myself that it's a state I didn't deserve, that I wasn't good enough to achieve.
But here I am. My breasts are huge and heavy, they are like great ripe fruit, firm and round. And my belly, when hidden under clothes, is lost and small. But when I'm naked, and my regular fit curves and muscles are in stark contrast to these new lines: Round, firm, fertile... My heart is SO huge and full of love and excitement I can barely contain it. I stroke and caress them, not for me but for my baby inside. "I love you," I tell them, "I love you so much and I will never, ever stop loving you."
After having a miscarriage, each day with this wee child is a blessing. The reality of the change in my body is setting in, but I feel very little of the sadness of what my body has become. It is an immense blessing to me, something I never thought I would attain.
I feel SO lucky. I feel SO warm and complete. Little One, I wish I could tell you the change you have made in me. Already, at 19 weeks, I am a better person. And I just want to be better and better, all for you, my love.
I wish people could see themselves the way I see them. I wish they knew the hunger to see not perfect faces, But unique stories on features fresh in my vision. Curves to cheeks I've never yet encountered, Eye colours reflecting the myriad hues of simple reality. I wish they could feel the joy I feel in seeing their smiles, Or the way they gaze out a window on a train, Or the gentle expression they give their fussing child. A warmth grows in my soul at a rosy cheek, Real and not covered with beauty cream. A stubbled chin, a wild, hairy brow. A dimpled knee, an exquisite mop of unruly hair. And I know if I asked, many of them would suddenly be shamed At all these things that lift my soul But are always airbrushed away. I wish they had the experience of what it is to record these faces, Etching them deep within a part of the mind I dip into when I create. And encyclopaedia of features that I zealously treasure, Like an OCD dragon on a hoard of gold, not just collecting But understanding and analysing and knowing, Glorying in every detail and thanking the Universe for its variety. I wish they knew. I wish you knew. I wish you felt what I feel, how glorious you all are. I wish I could look at myself and be so generous.
